Decisions, Decisions
I'm on duty for the third night in a row. I'm sitting at the desk in my winter coat, ignoring the Olympic Women's Half-Pipe on TV - it's only on because I want to see the figure skating pairs, even though I know the Russians win. I really don't like the way NBC is doing the coverage, with different sports spliced together, with "touching stories" interspersed, and all a day after the actual contests happened, with way too much know-it-all commentary. It's not a TV show, I don't need it edited into a neat primetime-friendly package. Anyway.
I was talking to Steph at dinner today, and I said something brilliant. Or at least insightful. I forget what exactly the lead-in was, but I was reflecting on how every night, I vow that tomorrow, I will do everything right. I will get up at a decent time, eat right, do all my work, go to the gym, and generally be a happy, productive human being who doesn't always have a reason to be down on herself. Then tomorrow, I fuck everything up again, make another vow that night, and the cycle continues. The cycle continues because "there's always tomorrow," and as soon as it came out of my mouth I realized - there isn't always tomorrow. No guarantee. So, ok, forget about the vows - what healthy decision can I make right now? In that moment, the healthy decision was to take my chamomile tea and oversized backpack and get myself to class early. For Steph, it was another vow - to take an iron supplement when she got back to her room. But that's neither here nor there, we're talking about me. So I made that decision, I got to class, and I was glad I did. For the first time so far this semester I wasn't racing in at the last minute and still setting up my laptop when the instructor began his lecture. Also, I found out that he doesn't just play one random song before class, he plays a BUNCH of them!
So in conclusion: it's easy to replace a good decision with a vow to do better next time. But the unavoidable result of that is regret for the decisions I did make, and being overall down on myself for screwing up. Solution? Stop regretting decisions by making better ones, and recognize that when I do screw up, it's really just making a decision that seems better at the time. Own my decisions, and I won't be so down on myself all the time.
That's doesn't mean it's easy. One huge decision I made recently is one that I believe is the right one, but it's hard as fuck to remember why every day.
Anecdote: In the middle of one of those convoluted paragraphs, I got a a noise complaint on one of the rooms upstairs. When I got to the offending room, I realized tonight's basketball game was still on, and was undoubtedly the reason why "they've been yelling and screaming all night." On my way back down the stairs, I heard screams, door slams, wall punches, and generall expressions of rage on at least 4 of the 6 floors. I got back downstairs and found the game on one of the ESPNs - it had just ended, a narrow loss to Villanova. No wonder.
I was talking to Steph at dinner today, and I said something brilliant. Or at least insightful. I forget what exactly the lead-in was, but I was reflecting on how every night, I vow that tomorrow, I will do everything right. I will get up at a decent time, eat right, do all my work, go to the gym, and generally be a happy, productive human being who doesn't always have a reason to be down on herself. Then tomorrow, I fuck everything up again, make another vow that night, and the cycle continues. The cycle continues because "there's always tomorrow," and as soon as it came out of my mouth I realized - there isn't always tomorrow. No guarantee. So, ok, forget about the vows - what healthy decision can I make right now? In that moment, the healthy decision was to take my chamomile tea and oversized backpack and get myself to class early. For Steph, it was another vow - to take an iron supplement when she got back to her room. But that's neither here nor there, we're talking about me. So I made that decision, I got to class, and I was glad I did. For the first time so far this semester I wasn't racing in at the last minute and still setting up my laptop when the instructor began his lecture. Also, I found out that he doesn't just play one random song before class, he plays a BUNCH of them!
So in conclusion: it's easy to replace a good decision with a vow to do better next time. But the unavoidable result of that is regret for the decisions I did make, and being overall down on myself for screwing up. Solution? Stop regretting decisions by making better ones, and recognize that when I do screw up, it's really just making a decision that seems better at the time. Own my decisions, and I won't be so down on myself all the time.
That's doesn't mean it's easy. One huge decision I made recently is one that I believe is the right one, but it's hard as fuck to remember why every day.
Anecdote: In the middle of one of those convoluted paragraphs, I got a a noise complaint on one of the rooms upstairs. When I got to the offending room, I realized tonight's basketball game was still on, and was undoubtedly the reason why "they've been yelling and screaming all night." On my way back down the stairs, I heard screams, door slams, wall punches, and generall expressions of rage on at least 4 of the 6 floors. I got back downstairs and found the game on one of the ESPNs - it had just ended, a narrow loss to Villanova. No wonder.
posted by Laura at 8:52:00 PM
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