Yeeeeecccchhhhh

It had been eating at me for the past couple weeks that after the initial outbursts, tears, and general heartbreak, Ryan and I hadn't sat down and had the actual closure I thought he needed. What I didn't realize is my "let's have closure!" attitude was probably actually more hurtful than just letting it be, and that I was the one who needed it to feel less guilty. There, now that, yet again, you all know too much about my personal life....

I got into the grad program! Now I can stop saying "IF I get in" every time someone asks me about my plans for the future and I tell them about the MS in Accounting I plan to earn before starting my Real Job. My firm is reimbursing half the cost of each class I get at least a B in (which coincidentally, is also what I need to get to not get put on academic probation in grad school...yikes...), which is pretty sweet. Problem is, my savings amount to just over half of the cost, period. And divided by two semesters, means that by semester two, I'm short by about 4 grand (til the reimbursement comes in when I finish that semester - follow?). End result, even more scrimping and saving now, probably combined with a parental loan come August. That just makes me feel.....like a little kid who needs to be provided for? Yeah, that's what does it, not the rent-free housing, free utilities, food, medical care, car, insurance, consideration for my every need, and general unconditional love and support. The interest-free loan is what puts it over the top. That kinda puts exams and papers into perspective, doesn't it? Period of NOT whining commences.....now.




Dear God, I hate living in a dorm. No one tell my boss.

2:30AM, Playing it Cool

You know who the coolest character on Buffy the Vampire Slayer was? Oz. He played it so cool. Xander knew it. Oz never, or rarely, let on what was really going on inside that little red head of his, and you can bet that most of what he did let out was monosyllabic and noncommital. So that means that when he did let loose, it made you really take notice, and no matter what he did/said it was automatically incredibly intense, insightful, and undoubtedly cool. No wonder he got the girl. Well, he got the girl until the werewolf thing kinda took over and then she became a lesbian. But what I'm sort of driving at is this: noticing single friends, and how some of them wonder why each new person they meet doesn't measure up, when the real problem is how they're presenting themselves, and how others worry much less if at all about other peoples' opinions, and ultimately are happier, more fulfilled and complete people. The first group seems to garner more attention from the opposite sex, but it ends up being the kind of attention you can do without. The second group.....jury's still out, but at least they look cool in the meantime.

On a semi-related note, tonight I inherited the "single and looking" t-shirt from my girlfriends. Ever see the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants? Me neither, but I hear this is something like that.

My Brother the Chemist

Michael enjoys playing hockey and standing uncomfortably while his picture is taken. And ladies, he's single (page 3)!

Decisions, Decisions

I'm on duty for the third night in a row. I'm sitting at the desk in my winter coat, ignoring the Olympic Women's Half-Pipe on TV - it's only on because I want to see the figure skating pairs, even though I know the Russians win. I really don't like the way NBC is doing the coverage, with different sports spliced together, with "touching stories" interspersed, and all a day after the actual contests happened, with way too much know-it-all commentary. It's not a TV show, I don't need it edited into a neat primetime-friendly package. Anyway.

I was talking to Steph at dinner today, and I said something brilliant. Or at least insightful. I forget what exactly the lead-in was, but I was reflecting on how every night, I vow that tomorrow, I will do everything right. I will get up at a decent time, eat right, do all my work, go to the gym, and generally be a happy, productive human being who doesn't always have a reason to be down on herself. Then tomorrow, I fuck everything up again, make another vow that night, and the cycle continues. The cycle continues because "there's always tomorrow," and as soon as it came out of my mouth I realized - there isn't always tomorrow. No guarantee. So, ok, forget about the vows - what healthy decision can I make right now? In that moment, the healthy decision was to take my chamomile tea and oversized backpack and get myself to class early. For Steph, it was another vow - to take an iron supplement when she got back to her room. But that's neither here nor there, we're talking about me. So I made that decision, I got to class, and I was glad I did. For the first time so far this semester I wasn't racing in at the last minute and still setting up my laptop when the instructor began his lecture. Also, I found out that he doesn't just play one random song before class, he plays a BUNCH of them!

So in conclusion: it's easy to replace a good decision with a vow to do better next time. But the unavoidable result of that is regret for the decisions I did make, and being overall down on myself for screwing up. Solution? Stop regretting decisions by making better ones, and recognize that when I do screw up, it's really just making a decision that seems better at the time. Own my decisions, and I won't be so down on myself all the time.

That's doesn't mean it's easy. One huge decision I made recently is one that I believe is the right one, but it's hard as fuck to remember why every day.

Anecdote: In the middle of one of those convoluted paragraphs, I got a a noise complaint on one of the rooms upstairs. When I got to the offending room, I realized tonight's basketball game was still on, and was undoubtedly the reason why "they've been yelling and screaming all night." On my way back down the stairs, I heard screams, door slams, wall punches, and generall expressions of rage on at least 4 of the 6 floors. I got back downstairs and found the game on one of the ESPNs - it had just ended, a narrow loss to Villanova. No wonder.

Rough Week

There's not really a good way to write about this without it being melodramatic-sounding, and it's still a very touchy subject. But, and this will come as a shock, this here blog hasn't always been as complete as I would've liked. I leave things out, specifically guy things, and that's because I think it's really tacky to write about touchy relationship issues when one's signficant other can, well, read it. That's the kind of stuff you talk about face to face with them, not the Internet. With that said, I'm not gonna pretend nothing just happened. Ryan and I are no longer a couple. Hmm, I just wrote about 3 different things and deleted them all. I'm not really sure what else is appropriate to put here. I think I'm off the hook though, my laundry needs to be switched over to the dryer.


Saved by the washing machine.