FRUSTRATED!!!!
Me and school don't get along so well. Back when school was easy, like in kindergarten, I somehow got the idea that I was better/smarter than everyone else. Maybe it was a teacher's remark, maybe it was seeing some poor kid stumble over a word I knew, who knows. I just know that I had this superiority complex from a VERY young age. So from there on out, I expected to be the best. It came so easily to me that it had to be right. Praise and punishment can be tricky things with schoolkids - I for one took it really, really seriously. When I got called out by a teacher for doing something good, I took it pretty damn seriously.
Then there was competition. Kids who worked harder and did the same as, or better than me, consistently. That gnawed at me, a lot. As school got harder and I got my first B, then my first C, my first trip to the principal's office, my first F on anything, my first talking-to, my first detention, and a lot of other firsts that didn't fit so well with the "gifted" little girl image, that whole drive to be the best thing kind of disappeared. Problem is, the competition didn't. It still bothered me to no end when someone performed better, whether or not I had tried as hard as them. In high school I was kind of an awkward mix between band geek, nerd, semi-outcast, overachiever, teacher's pet, and (I hope) regular person. My first year at UConn reinforced the whole "I'm better than you" thing, with scholarships and the Honors program telling me that I was in the x percentile, and assuring me that I was better than you. I still encountered that competition, the kids who were smarter and better, but now I was considered one of them again, so things were ok.
It's my last friggin year at this place, it's the night before two finals and I'm cramming last-minute for at least one of them, and all I can think of is how much better than me two specific people in the class are doing. IT'S EATING ME. I can feel my heart racing a little, but that could be from my new high blood pressure that my gynocologist's office is sure is from my birth control, but wants me to "see how it goes for one more month" before they do anything about. I'm picturing my new employers looking at my transcript and shaking their heads. I can't believe that the best I can hope for in this class is a B+. Yeah, I know some of you are a little disgusted, but we're talking about me here. There's a scene in The Simpsons when school has been cancelled for some time, and Lisa and Bart are stuck at home. Lisa eventually starts to freak out and begs her mother to GRADE ME!!! Marge scrawls "A" on a napkin and hands it to her, and Lisa, babbling her relief, walks away clutching it. I NEED AN A!! I NEED SOMEONE TO TELL ME I'M THE BEST!!
I'm also more than a little anxious. I fell off the healthy diet and exercise train this past weekend. On Friday night my car's heater fan abruptly stopped working, I lost my ID, and Ryan and I had a fight. I've been miserable for the last few months and it's only seeming to get worse as time goes on, with sporadic exceptions. Are you thinking it yet? That I need to get laid? I know I do. But here's something that falls under the category of too much information: since I switched birth control over a month ago, anything remotely satisfying has been too painful to attempt. There's nothing wrong, I took it to the shop and everything checked out ok.
The mechanic was stumped and had no useful suggestions. This was the same day I found out that all my attempts to lower my blood pressure the old-fashioned way were in vain (I even GAVE UP COFFEE), that I had to stick out another month before they would change my prescription, and was handed a bill. Not a good trip to the doctor's office.
On Saturday the UCTV crew had our end of the semester get-together at Red Rock, and it was awesome - it was kind of exactly what I needed, especially since I got showered with attention, got flowers, and a gift (I'm leaving UCTV at the end of this semester). That was great, I felt so appreciated, respected, recognized, and, well, loved. Whether or not it's justified or all in my head I've been feeling really under-appreciated and overworked lately.
Something's gotta give, I really don't like myself like this.
Me and school don't get along so well. Back when school was easy, like in kindergarten, I somehow got the idea that I was better/smarter than everyone else. Maybe it was a teacher's remark, maybe it was seeing some poor kid stumble over a word I knew, who knows. I just know that I had this superiority complex from a VERY young age. So from there on out, I expected to be the best. It came so easily to me that it had to be right. Praise and punishment can be tricky things with schoolkids - I for one took it really, really seriously. When I got called out by a teacher for doing something good, I took it pretty damn seriously.
Then there was competition. Kids who worked harder and did the same as, or better than me, consistently. That gnawed at me, a lot. As school got harder and I got my first B, then my first C, my first trip to the principal's office, my first F on anything, my first talking-to, my first detention, and a lot of other firsts that didn't fit so well with the "gifted" little girl image, that whole drive to be the best thing kind of disappeared. Problem is, the competition didn't. It still bothered me to no end when someone performed better, whether or not I had tried as hard as them. In high school I was kind of an awkward mix between band geek, nerd, semi-outcast, overachiever, teacher's pet, and (I hope) regular person. My first year at UConn reinforced the whole "I'm better than you" thing, with scholarships and the Honors program telling me that I was in the x percentile, and assuring me that I was better than you. I still encountered that competition, the kids who were smarter and better, but now I was considered one of them again, so things were ok.
It's my last friggin year at this place, it's the night before two finals and I'm cramming last-minute for at least one of them, and all I can think of is how much better than me two specific people in the class are doing. IT'S EATING ME. I can feel my heart racing a little, but that could be from my new high blood pressure that my gynocologist's office is sure is from my birth control, but wants me to "see how it goes for one more month" before they do anything about. I'm picturing my new employers looking at my transcript and shaking their heads. I can't believe that the best I can hope for in this class is a B+. Yeah, I know some of you are a little disgusted, but we're talking about me here. There's a scene in The Simpsons when school has been cancelled for some time, and Lisa and Bart are stuck at home. Lisa eventually starts to freak out and begs her mother to GRADE ME!!! Marge scrawls "A" on a napkin and hands it to her, and Lisa, babbling her relief, walks away clutching it. I NEED AN A!! I NEED SOMEONE TO TELL ME I'M THE BEST!!
I'm also more than a little anxious. I fell off the healthy diet and exercise train this past weekend. On Friday night my car's heater fan abruptly stopped working, I lost my ID, and Ryan and I had a fight. I've been miserable for the last few months and it's only seeming to get worse as time goes on, with sporadic exceptions. Are you thinking it yet? That I need to get laid? I know I do. But here's something that falls under the category of too much information: since I switched birth control over a month ago, anything remotely satisfying has been too painful to attempt. There's nothing wrong, I took it to the shop and everything checked out ok.
The mechanic was stumped and had no useful suggestions. This was the same day I found out that all my attempts to lower my blood pressure the old-fashioned way were in vain (I even GAVE UP COFFEE), that I had to stick out another month before they would change my prescription, and was handed a bill. Not a good trip to the doctor's office.
On Saturday the UCTV crew had our end of the semester get-together at Red Rock, and it was awesome - it was kind of exactly what I needed, especially since I got showered with attention, got flowers, and a gift (I'm leaving UCTV at the end of this semester). That was great, I felt so appreciated, respected, recognized, and, well, loved. Whether or not it's justified or all in my head I've been feeling really under-appreciated and overworked lately.
Something's gotta give, I really don't like myself like this.
posted by Laura at 11:32:00 PM
1 Comments:
Yeah, a little ;)
And for what it's worth, remembering what you do is a kick-in-the-face reality check. Are you back on the mainland yet?
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