It's about 1:30AM, getting up early tomorrow, and I really have to pee. Perfect time to post.

One of the things I asked for this Christmas was a jewelry box. I'd been keeping my jewelry in various, sometimes surprising places, and had consequently lost track of some of it. I figured by now I had enough "nice" pieces to warrant an actual jewelry box. My mom actually bought two and had me pick one, and tonight I was sitting in my room with my laptop, alternately talking to Ryan, untangling necklaces, arranging things in the new jewelry box, and getting up to search for pieces I had forgotten about. I realized not too far into the project that I had a heart necklace from each of the serious boyfriends I've had in the last 5 years (there have been 3), and one of them took some searching to track down. Then I got to wondering where one of the other gifts from the first boyfriend was, and then I started wondering where the first boyfriend was. So far I haven't found the necklace/bracelet, but I think I did find him. On myspace. I'm not a stalker.

Things have been alright. My blood pressure is unforunately still on the high side, I think, (it's hard to say because it skyrockets when this one particular nurse takes it, but can be almost normal at home), and as of next week I'm officially off the bc. A little while ago I heard what sounded like the front door open, which is not good because everyone's home, but it turned out it was actually my parents' bedroom door. I found my very sleepy mother in the kitchen. Tomorrow morning we're going to a mass in Waterbury for her father, who died....probably about 25 years ago, maybe a little more. It's at 7:30. I like church, when I go. My personal belief if that the presence is always there if you believe it is, and whatever rituals, songs, or pretty windows and candles you use to get you that much closer to it, sure. I find some comfort in the Catholic rituals - like I'm connected through tradition to something established and wise. Here's my thought - religion is a man-made construct designed to keep us in touch with our spiritual sides, and to keep things in order. We have laws and consciences for order, so whatever you choose to satisfy your spiritual needs (provided it doesn't harm others), cool.

G'night.

Things are pretty damn awesome. I'm a little kid at Christmas with a stack of gifts with my name on them, a house full of family, food, and too much dessert, three new pink sweaters, a pair of wool socks, a DVD/VCR, season 6 of Sex and the City, and so much more. I'm physically pretty tired but Christmas is awesome, and there are too many real blessings to count. Merry Christmas everybody, Merry whatever you celebrate. Life is good.

It's the night before my last, probably easiest, final, and as of right now I'm in decent shape for it. Jess and I spent the last 3 hours or so studying, with a lot of me blowing my nose and being distracted by food.

Things are getting better, and I hope I don't jinx it by saying so....but yeah! Ryan came over last night, and what could've been a really uncomfortable night of me studying while he slept on the couch (we both needed the Internet but couldn't find a splitter, so we had to take turns), ended up being the first time in a while that we were able to do that thing. That thing we like to do with each other that I had been having technical difficulties with. And now I have much more hope for that thing.

I don't have a lot of hope for this semester's grades though. I got a B in Advanced Accounting, and I don't want to rant any more about that. I think I got it all out. Business Law is tomorrow at 10:30, and I am feeling the urge to get back to it. After that exam will be my last official UCTV workday, and I will (gasp) hand in my keys.

AND THEN I WILL SLEEP!!!! And I will sell my books back, and drink, and have some serious lazy time with someone special. And it will be good. Also I will inspect rooms, because being a CA is cool like that. Oh, and the repairs to my car's blower motor resistor and wiring cost $240.

FRUSTRATED!!!!

Me and school don't get along so well. Back when school was easy, like in kindergarten, I somehow got the idea that I was better/smarter than everyone else. Maybe it was a teacher's remark, maybe it was seeing some poor kid stumble over a word I knew, who knows. I just know that I had this superiority complex from a VERY young age. So from there on out, I expected to be the best. It came so easily to me that it had to be right. Praise and punishment can be tricky things with schoolkids - I for one took it really, really seriously. When I got called out by a teacher for doing something good, I took it pretty damn seriously.

Then there was competition. Kids who worked harder and did the same as, or better than me, consistently. That gnawed at me, a lot. As school got harder and I got my first B, then my first C, my first trip to the principal's office, my first F on anything, my first talking-to, my first detention, and a lot of other firsts that didn't fit so well with the "gifted" little girl image, that whole drive to be the best thing kind of disappeared. Problem is, the competition didn't. It still bothered me to no end when someone performed better, whether or not I had tried as hard as them. In high school I was kind of an awkward mix between band geek, nerd, semi-outcast, overachiever, teacher's pet, and (I hope) regular person. My first year at UConn reinforced the whole "I'm better than you" thing, with scholarships and the Honors program telling me that I was in the x percentile, and assuring me that I was better than you. I still encountered that competition, the kids who were smarter and better, but now I was considered one of them again, so things were ok.

It's my last friggin year at this place, it's the night before two finals and I'm cramming last-minute for at least one of them, and all I can think of is how much better than me two specific people in the class are doing. IT'S EATING ME. I can feel my heart racing a little, but that could be from my new high blood pressure that my gynocologist's office is sure is from my birth control, but wants me to "see how it goes for one more month" before they do anything about. I'm picturing my new employers looking at my transcript and shaking their heads. I can't believe that the best I can hope for in this class is a B+. Yeah, I know some of you are a little disgusted, but we're talking about me here. There's a scene in The Simpsons when school has been cancelled for some time, and Lisa and Bart are stuck at home. Lisa eventually starts to freak out and begs her mother to GRADE ME!!! Marge scrawls "A" on a napkin and hands it to her, and Lisa, babbling her relief, walks away clutching it. I NEED AN A!! I NEED SOMEONE TO TELL ME I'M THE BEST!!

I'm also more than a little anxious. I fell off the healthy diet and exercise train this past weekend. On Friday night my car's heater fan abruptly stopped working, I lost my ID, and Ryan and I had a fight. I've been miserable for the last few months and it's only seeming to get worse as time goes on, with sporadic exceptions. Are you thinking it yet? That I need to get laid? I know I do. But here's something that falls under the category of too much information: since I switched birth control over a month ago, anything remotely satisfying has been too painful to attempt. There's nothing wrong, I took it to the shop and everything checked out ok.
The mechanic was stumped and had no useful suggestions. This was the same day I found out that all my attempts to lower my blood pressure the old-fashioned way were in vain (I even GAVE UP COFFEE), that I had to stick out another month before they would change my prescription, and was handed a bill. Not a good trip to the doctor's office.

On Saturday the UCTV crew had our end of the semester get-together at Red Rock, and it was awesome - it was kind of exactly what I needed, especially since I got showered with attention, got flowers, and a gift (I'm leaving UCTV at the end of this semester). That was great, I felt so appreciated, respected, recognized, and, well, loved. Whether or not it's justified or all in my head I've been feeling really under-appreciated and overworked lately.

Something's gotta give, I really don't like myself like this.

I am in class right now.

And I don't really have anything interesting to say.