Sometimes I really, really hate duty. It's a gut-sinking feeling - there's a party, people are having a good time, I have to break it up and get them all in trouble. It's nerve-wracking and intimidating. I don't get off on the power. But really, they're just college kids....what exactly am I afraid of?

Even though it's a decent bra, I don't think the top-of-the-line IPEX is worth $47. I think I'm bringing it back. Bra return number 5.

I've gotten 2 job offers so far. I forgot to write thank-you notes for all 4 of my 2nd interviews.

Sleeping by myself feels lonely.

As soon as I agreed to switch duty so I would have this Thursday and Friday, friends contacted me with plans for Thursday and Friday.

Happy Halloween.

It's very, very, very easy to get wrapped up in your own problems and your own little bubble, and to fall into an unhealthy routine, forgetting that there is a way out. The things worth doing take some effort - F's are always free.

Upon re-reading the post below, I found that it was, in fact, unreadable. So I'll sum up:

Weekend spent watching the extended versions of Lord of the Rings movies (finished Two Towers today), eating takeout (DP Dough, Wings, and Ted's so far), and being on duty. Also, having long, intense, relationship conversations. I love being in love.

Downstairs on duty, with approximately 13 minutes of battery power left in my laptop.

It seems like a quiet Saturday night from down here. The most alcohol I've seen go by was a six-pack of Mike's Hard Cranberry, which is not something I'm worried about. Then again, I've been deceived before. It could be a madhouse on the six floors above me - a madhouse!!

I've had an exceptionally lazy day. Ryan and I meant to have a quiet, relaxing, recharging evening with the extended Fellowship of the Ring, a bottle of white wine I bought the day I turned 21 (one week ago), and takeout. What ended up happening was after the trip to Walmart to buy a corkscrew and some other essentials and the stop at Kohl's so I could, yet again, return bras, we had another long, soul-searching relationship conversation in my room. Apparently now my laptop battery is critical, so we'll cut the rest of this short - we still had a nice evening, it just started later. Like, at midnight. And then I slept for a good 11 hours, which was exactly what I needed to recharge my batteries. And then we finished Fellowship, and had another long relationship conversation. We're pretty good at those. My battery is going to die soon, everybody enjoy your cold, rainy Saturday night.

I, like many of my buddies, am turning 21 soon. Actually this Saturday. I know it's cliche (still can't do the accent), but I can't wait to be able to go to the packie by myself....it's like the world is finally noticing, hey, I'm a grownup.

So I went back to Kohl's again to try a different size bra than the one I had ended up buying, and (surprise) it fit better. I did some research, and here's what I found out:

Especially for larger sizes, measurement rules aren't really that accurate in determining bra size. Also, what works for one style may not for another. So one could (and usually will) be a different size in every different style. The only right way to find out? Trial and error.

Hopefully today I'll be able to run BACK down to Kohl's to do some exchanges. The girl who works in lingerie knows me.

Ryan is still semi-asleep on my futon behind me. It's nice to have him here, just sucks that I have to leave in 15 minutes. I think I'll go curl up with him for a little while longer.

Hi again.

I've gotten a few concerned phone calls and IM's since my post a couple weeks ago, so I'm thinking it's time for a follow-up. You guys have noticed that I'm never really around any more, and I know I've neglected some really good friends lately. Well....it's been rough, I don't know what else to put here.

Classes, interviews/job search (in a profession I don't even like very much but where I'm pretty much stuck now), CA, Finance Manager. I dread opening up my e-mail but I do it compulsively every 5 or 10 minutes, because there's always something, or many somethings, in there that I need to take care of. I've been thinking about my workload versus my life, and seeing the same thing happen to other people....my observations:

1) Less sleep. I get back to the room late with work to do, and when it's time for bed I'm still too wound up, even when exhausted, to sleep. There's too much light in the room and every little noise bothers me, from toilets flushing to (especially) volleyball games right outside my window. I have no patience for noise after quiet hours, and a lot of the time I think that makes me out to be an irritable bitch. I have 8ams every day, every Friday with a quiz, which means Thursday nights are key for me. I really feel like I can't live here like this.

2) Aches and pains. It's not just a tense back, it's my whole body, and last night, my right arm. What I have to say is this: what?? My breasts still ache, and I believe I've gained almost a cup size. If you know me, you know I didn't need to gain almost a cup size. None of my bras fit right anymore and today I'm going to buy new ones. In the meantime, I haven't gained any other weight - I've probably lost a pound or two or three. Cramps are always here and there.

3) No patience. When I'm in a bad mood, my patience level is zero. I can easily find something about every person I encounter to get pissed off about (people I don't know). Things like walking on the left side of the sidewalk....minor things, but they piss me off much, much more than they should.

4) Funny stomach. Sometimes eat everything, sometimes much less than usual. Luckily I just ran out of maple sugar candy so the sugar highs and lows should be gone for now.

5) Mood swings. I used to feel like I could take on the world, mixed in with the usual stress spots - exams, work, classes, interviews, all of those happening simultaneously, you know. Now, I'm miserable a lot more. For the past couple years this 'why do I have to be SO RESPONSIBLE while everyone else PARTIES ALL THE TIME' feeling has grown, and grown, and grown, and now I'm much closer to the snapping point than before. Not as close as when I wrote the entry a few weeks back, but still closer than normal. It's lonely. Ryan is amazing and has this really annoying ability to make me feel better just by being there, but I can't be with Ryan every second of every day. I've cried more in the past couple months than I have in the past 10 years.

So, some of these might be hormonal things from the birth control (starting 3rd month, if it all doesn't disappear you'd better believe I'm switching), and others from the stress of what this semester is to me, but probably all of them are some combination of the two. I am really unhappy with my breasts, and that's what I'm preoccupied with right now. I'm looking into evening primrose oil, which is an herbal supplement very commonly used in some European countries (especially England) to help with sore breasts, as well as things like arthritis. Apparently studies can't conclude one way or the other if it really works, but if it works for Englishwomen, I'll give it a shot. I'm also going to pick up a sleep mask - just having actual dark at night is supposed to be key in producing melatonin, which gives you a good night's sleep and apparently also could prevent cancer.

I'm not living like this for the rest of my life, and I'm not even going to put up with it past this semester. If you're crazy busy like I am (and I know you probably are), and you're unhappy with at least half of what you do (like I am), why do you do it? Is it worth your health?

I think the Europeans have it right. I need a siesta.