Online journals are an interesting thing. The best ones to read are full of wit, detail, and insight, and clearly reflect a lot of time spent and dedication. And then you wonder, how do these witty, insightful, dedicated people have so much time to be witty, insightful, and dedicated when they clearly spend a good portion of their time maintaining their websites?
I'm on duty right now, laptop set up on the weak second-hand wireless connection on Eddy ground floor. Today is the last official "reading" day at UConn, and is to be followed by 6 days of final exams. My first one is on Tuesday, and I have one every day from there til Saturday. I go home for winter break on Sunday, after the last of my residents has left. I have my finance notes, book, study guide, and calculator by my side right now but I've gotten very little done. One more week and we'll all be back to normal, so to speak.
For a good portion of this semester I've had this knot twisting in my stomach, and I think it's time to actually do something about it. And the kid who just walked out of the quiet study lounge looks a hell of a lot like Ryan from behind. Damn. Anyway - the knot has to do with an experience I had earlier this semester, which you most likely know about if you're reading this, and it was a guy, and I don't know how clear I can really be without writing the whole story but it ends in me feeling betrayed/played (and the kid just walked back into the study lounge, and he doesn't look like Ryan from the front, so it's not him), and trying to just ignore it til it went away. Trouble is it didn't, it just got worse as I realized the extent to which I probably was lied to/played. What a horrible feeling.
I've sought out advice from everyone I would trust advice from - friends obviously, co-workers, my mom...my mom's advice made the most sense, but it was the hardest to do. She said basically, pretend as if nothing's happened - not to let him see how much he really did get to me. Feeling like you don't matter to someone who matters to you is one of the more painful things in life. I'M STILL ANGRY THOUGH. I can't pretend like I'm all happy on my own when I see him walk by with her, because my stomach drops to my feet, my heart races, my head pounds, and I get tunnel vision for a minute. I never had really strong feelings for him, but I did believe that he did for me. Mostly because he told me.
I need closure for myself and for Ryan, who has to hear about him on a regular basis. Whether or not we last it's not cool to have the past overshadowing the present. In the past the way I've been able to deal with this type of thing has been to become friendly with the subject of all the conflicting emotion, so I think it's time to re-add him to my buddy list and stop looking the other way when he walks by. I want to get it the open so I can get it behind me....because this type of crap only matters when it's stuffed up inside. I'm tired of keeping it there.
