How absolutely blessed I am. It's 2:30 AM, which is going to make anything I think/write sound corny. I usually try to avoid recording my thought during darktime, because they're usually melodramatic. I digress; I'm excusing myself for using this journal exactly as I intended to.

Here's what I've been thinking. This came while making my bed just now and being reminded of doing the same up at school on my floor in Buckley, my home away from home, and I thought about how cozy my room here is. Also -

I have a whole, loving family. A mother, father, brother and sister whom I love and can talk to, a combination that seems to be becoming a rarity. I can be honest with all of them, and have little to hide. My parents just celebrated their 25th anniversary, and they both could pass for 30-somethings. My mother made cookies last night and this morning, once because she wanted Italian cookies, again because they weren't quite what she wanted. How cool is that?

I have a room full of my belongings. I have enough things to comfortably fill my room here and my hole in the wall at school. I live in a brand-new house. I have two summer jobs to make money I will spend on my own comfort and education. I don't pay rent, utilities, federal or state income tax, or any other type of bill. I don't pay for food, but it is provided to me free of charge and in plentiful amounts. I have in effect full medical and dental coverage, including immunizations, othordontics to make sure my teeth are straight, contact lenses so I can see 20/20, allergy shots so I don't have a constant runny nose.

My biggest problems are how too much food makes my body appear to others, how hard I work in college that is paid for by scholarships, grants, and my parents, how to keep my bosses satisfied with my work schedule, a tendency to waste spare time in sloth, and how best to spend time with friends and peers. I am a damn lucky girl.

My father said that if one were to not watch TV, listen to the radio, or read the newspaper for one week, one would begin to experience reality. I'm not sure about internet time, video games, or magazines. I'm going to try it, starting tomorrow. Internet time will be limited to occasional e-mail check and making plans with friends who couldn't be reached by phone. Video games....that's more of a sacrifice, but it's supposed to be a sacrifice. I'll use my judgement as situations arise. A week without the relentless background drone of entertainment, manipulation, media.....I'm going to sleep. Sleep is real.

My mom got a good laugh out of this:

Today at the waterpark, I was at one point workng the bottom of Mammoth Falls. If you haven't seen it, it's a slide with giant tubes that seat up to 5 people at a time. I was helping two little boys out today, and one jumped out as I said "ok, you can get out.....carefully!" The little boy looked at me and said, "oh. I'm not good at that."

I'm sleepy. This will be a "complain about work and how tired I am" entry - consider yourself warned.

Believe it or not, I'm not getting enough hours. I request time off for the waterpark to work 2-4 hour shifts at the lake - that's just not gonna work. I'm actually down for a two-hour shift next Sunday. Two friggin hours, when I could have nine.

My room is clean, my lifeguard tan is coming along nicely, I weigh 123 pounds, my brother will be home Sunday. That's what I got out of today, along with more time spent with a Squeegee and muddy band-aid water, and a paycheck. Also, little kids are funny. Have a good night.

I can't shake the feeling that I've done something horribly wrong.

Had my first day at Lake Winfield today. I recognize the fact that it's really juvenile and immature to complain about co-workers in one's online journal. Now that I've recognized that.....I hope first impressions aren't exceptionally accurate indicators of how this summer is going to be. I'm not a drunk, I don't read Cosmo, I don't brag about my sexual escapades (as if I had any), my life doesn't revolve around alcohol and sex, I almost never go to concerts outside UConn, and I'm not giddy. These are all the reasons I don't fit in. I feel like I came off as trying too hard and being a show-offy screw-up. I may have also made a mistake with my new boss. Only time will tell, and in the meantime I'm trying to tell myself that this, like most things I worry about, is all in my head. The actual guarding part of my few hours there was quite relaxing, especially compared to that infernal waterpark.

I ended up with nothing to do by 3pm, so I tagged along with my aunt, uncle, and cousins to Fran's grad party. Not a terrible way to spend a Saturday, considering I would have had nothing to do at home but babysit.

I'm sick of talking about my jobs, but I still do it a lot. I need better conversation material.Pyrotechnics start good conversations....

Why am I not in bed right now?

Why did I eat all those Polly-O String Cheeses? (5, I think)

Do my managers at work think I'm incompetent? If so, why don't they say something?

Why should I care?

I hope my cold goes away. I hope there are either not a lot of people at work, or there are massive thunderstorms. I hope I can get a ride home.

I got my revised financial aid package today. Guess how much? *adds* A lot!! Wait....*subtracts work-study*....that's still at least half of my overall expenses for the year. And that's without the Dr. Long scholarship! *sees dollar signs* Maybe the money I'm losing by working two jobs (I'll explain that in a minute) isn't such a huge deal.

It works like this - I clear my schedule, whole weekends at a time, for Lake Winfield. Then I get something that looks like this - Saturday, 12-3. Sunday, 1-3. What the hell is that? It's my day off from Lake Compounce, that's what it is. I should be happy.

Someone told me once, back in eighth grade, that I could have any guy I wanted. Considering the source, and the fact that I think I was going through an awkward stage, I took it with a grain of salt. Now, allowing myself this moment of superficial vapidity (if that's not a word, I just made it one), I'm starting to...well, not believe it per se, but feel a lot more confident. I think getting out of high school, and then away from UConn for a couple months, is doing the trick.

To bed, or Nintendo?

Dirving home from work today at rush hour, little route 6 in Terryville was practically gridlocked. I was in no hurry, but the irate traffic tension was contagious. Behind me was some kind of newer model SUV - kind of small, and red. Driving it was an elderly man probably in his late 60s or early 70s, and with him was a woman of around the same age. Glancing in my rearview mirror, I saw the man smiling. Grinning is more like it - the happiness in that car radiated outward to where I was sitting. I wondered what had put that grin on his face. At the next red light, I saw the couple kissing. It was like a breath of fresh air in an otherwise dreary rush hour. (They turned into McDonalds, by the way.) I told my parents about it later - Dad thought it was gross. I think the dead toad I took out of the kiddie pool today was gross - the elderly couple made me smile.

The toad made me sad. Now I can say I removed a dead body from the kiddie pool. I hope it wasn't the same one I was playing with yesterday....maybe it revived after I took it out?....

I feel ooky...

Today was a decent day. How many people can say they went to work and sat around for the majority of the time? Plus, more Mark Twain time. I said I wanted to go out again before I got certified, and I did, and now I'm more comfortable on that bad boy. Actually kind of psyched about going to work tomorrow - I haven't guarded yet this year. It'll get old fast, but the temporary enthusiasm is good. And no, my life is not very interesting. Still, for not having a car, I'm having a decent time. I love being 18.

But, I still feel ooky.